When you really think about it, you can see the person that you really are and not the person you want to be. The person I want to be is such a better person that I am. I want to see myself as the person who lives my life uniquely and without fear. I don't want to be the person who at the end looks back and thinks "Oh shit, I should have done so much more." I want to live a life with with authenticity. So that when the end does come, I know that I lived my life the best way that I could and that I was true to myself.
I've embarked on a new phase of my life recently. And I guess that doing it now concurrent with the spring is semi symbolic in some sort of new agey bullshit kind of way. Believe me, I get the ironic nature of this. Let me preface this by saying that I....the eldest daughter of two loving parents who don't and haven't ever had any booze (save for a few tastes of wine that I can count on one hand) took my first drink at 15. True story. It was a screwdriver and it was at a friends house. Her mom made the drink for her older brother who gave me some. I dappled in the art of teenage drinking but really didn't go pro until an unfortunate incident in college. Even then, I was in the farm leagues. It wasn't until *evil ex* and I broke up that I was called up to the major leagues. Then I really got serious about my wine consumption. And I was really good at it for about 7 years. And then this funny thing happened.
I went to Sedona on a girls trip and on a whim decided to see a psychic. I paid her $40 to tell me what my mom tells me everyday .... "You drink too much." Apparently, I drink so much she couldn't even make something else up (and no, I wasn't drunk when I went there). In fairness, she was pretty spot on, I do drink too much. So, I sucked it up, put away my traveling wine bottle opener, cleaned the last wine glass and made a pledge to not drink for 90 days....I know ...
90 'effin days....really?
So serious am I about this that I vowed to not even take any NyQuil (which as a side note as 10% alcohol by volume)
Today is day 14 and for the last two weeks, that tight angry ball that has been sitting in my stomach started to loosen. Sometime around the end of the first week, it disappeared completely. And for the first time in a very very very long time the fleeting moments of contentment and peace have decided to not be so fleeting. The times that I laugh sound less hollow to me. The joy that I feel comes from a place that so deep inside me I was unaware it was there.
I think my 'meness' is on it's way back.
The me that not only saw the worth in myself but demanded that people saw it as well. The me that wasn't afraid to jump without looking to see what was below, the me that did something just because it was Wednesday, the me that wanted to be around people and the me who actually cared about what was going on....not just going through the motions. I felt the me that I wanted to be start to really stretch. Those broken bits that I talked about in an early post? Those were going away.
I fully and completely believe that you can totally heal yourself no matter what happens. Sheer determination to move forward can change you and heal anything.
What happens to you should GUIDE you but it should never DEFINE you.
YOU are unique...YOU live your life the best way that you can
YOU tell your story as you know it can be,
and then.... it will be a life that's been lived authentically.