Sunday, April 17, 2011

Losing his shine

I like to think that in a world full of chaos and disorganization, I can at least try to control my little own universe. When I want to feel pain, I feel pain. When I want to feel joy, I feel joy. I'm fairly decent at allowing what ever emotion it is that I want to feel, allowing it to bubble up and overflow.

I wasn't always like this as people who knew me when I was younger can attest to. I was an emotional ball of confusion. I didn't know what to feel, when to feel it and how to express it. I don't know how many of you have felt this way. That your own feelings can betray you in any situation. That the way you think and feel can be used as a weapon against you. Do you realize how often people do this? How often people can manipulate you based on your emotions? You all do it, even the most pure soul you know has used your feelings in order to manipulate someone at some point.

Parents use emotion to control behavior, bosses use emotion to manipulate an outcome, partners use emotion to get a certain outcome. Every where you look, someone is using your feelings for their gain. It's hard to stop. It's hard to realize that you do it too. And you do. Don't pretend like you don't. Your only lying to yourself. Watch yourself today and see if and how you do it. It's surprising how often it happens. I think that at some point we all become partially aware of this and allow it to happen.

The love I feel for my family will reflect in my decisions based on how they will react. The approval I seek out at work will reflect in how I interact with co-workers and managers. The quest to find something that moves me to my core will reflect in how I treat partners. Really think about have more control over people who care about you then you realize. Once you know about it, you see the power that you have and you should be very careful on how you use it.

As I said, when I was younger my emotions were very confusing. I didn't know how to feel them. I know that sounds strange but it seemed to me that my feelings were kind of like bubbles. They floated up from someplace and hovered in my sight. They would easily break, exploding a shower of feelings all over. I learned how to control the confusing burst but not before I learned how people can use that confusion to judge you and control you.

As a sort of side note, I will never understand why people feel it is their place to place judgement on you. Anyway, the whole point is that I learned how to control those bubbles. But every once in awhile someone comes along and I forget how to gently hold the bubble of feelings. Then those bubbles come up and they burst all over the place, sending me into a panic to control my world and my place in it. I hate for someone to have the upper hand over me.

Butterfly guy really screwed up my bubbles for awhile.

All of the sudden all these bubbles came from everywhere and I didn't know what to do. There where way too many of them.

Anger, confusion, lust, happiness, fun, joy, attraction.

I simply didn't know what to do. And I think he knew it. I think he knew what an effect he had on me. He knew how I felt because I would tell him and he simply chose to use my emotions against me. I don't know if he did it consciously but he did do it. I'm sure that having me try my damnedest to get him to fall for me was a huge ego boost for him. It took me awhile but the shine is starting to leave him. That little spark that I felt is being extinguished. It started to really happen this weekend. There's no real reason, I just woke up this morning and realized that he doesn't seem so ... so .... Butterfly Guy anymore. That what ever it was that made him sparkly and shiny is disappearing. I feel sorry for him too, because I know how great it would have been. And how much fun it would have been but then I realize that it was all in my head and in reality would have been decidedly less fun. I want to make this clear,

Butterfly Guy is not a bad guy.

He's funny and nice and caring. I think he would be the type of guy that if you called him and needed help, he wouldn't ask questions, he would just come help. He tells good jokes and is the kind of person you would want on your side in a game of dodge ball. He's the kind of guy that would have your back but only if you scaled that wall that he's so intent on keeping around him.

He is a good guy... but he's just a guy. He's not the guy. He's not the guy that sees me for who I am. Not for who he thinks I am. He's not the person I would trust to give my most precious possession to.

The great thing about me is that I can easily make this transition. That once I am able to firmly place all of Butterfly Guy back into his bubble (his one single bubble that I will allow him to have in my world) and black sharpie mark it 'FRIEND' he will stay there. Forever.

....and no..... I never went full monty with Butterfly guy. Not that I didn't want too ... but some logical part of my brain knew that it wouldn't be a good idea.

I'm thinking that Butterfly Guy needs a new moniker. Any ideas?

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