Not the guy I want....??

Its been a while since I posted about my quest for Risotto Man, who seems to be more and more elusive. I know searching for him, doing this whole 90 days sober thing, getting my degree and getting to the gym seems like it would be a lot. So maybe I've fooled you all into thinking that I’m so busy that I’m just not interested in anyone .....but that’s a lie. I have been completely and totally smitten with someone. There are two very simple reasons for this being the first you are hearing about him….

1- I like my privacy. (I understand this is contrary to this whole experiment)

2- In my infinite wisdom, I told him I wrote a blog and then gave him the name. I stupidly thought that he wouldn’t be interested but it turns out he spent a few moments reading it.

Anyway, in pursuit of truth in life my life (and crossing my fingers that he forgot the name of my blog or lost interest in reading about it) I have been smitten with this guy for.... well awhile. I really hate that he gives me butterflies. And he does. He really gives me butterflies in a stupid kind of way. And I hate that I get happy when I see a text from him or when he talks to me. I hate that I know exactly how his lips move when he smiles, even when I'm not near him. I hate that that I know how his hands feel when they brush back my hair and I really really really hate that it makes me all butterflyish in my stomach. It makes me feel like I’m in high school and I’m the girl sitting in the back of class chewing on her pencil waiting for the high school Quarterback to notice her.

So enamoured with him I decided to cook for him. This is a big deal. I don’t cook for men that I’m interested in dating. That’s been a general rule of mine since I made my very famous (amongst my nearest and dearest) Ruben sandwich for a boyfriend in college. At first bite, the look on his face pretty much killed it. He didn’t like corned beef or sauerkraut or 1000 island dressing … and all that together? Forget it!! He was unhappy and I saw it on his face. That was pretty rough, so I made an executive decision to not cook for a man unless I felt comfortable with him. The last boyfriend I had, I dated him for three months before I invited him over for a pot roast dinner with all the trimmings. For dessert I made this puff pastry with a Crème Anglaise base and fresh berries, I topped it with fresh whipped cream. I was broke, living in LA and really wanted to impress. I spent over $100 that I didn't have the jack ass canceled on me at the last minute. Those are just two of the stories I have about cooking for someone I’m interested in, the LA one was the last straw. I now won’t cook unless you deserve it.

But I want to cook for him. He...he just doesn't want me to cook for him.

He flat out tells me he's not the kind of guy that I want. And he has a good idea of the guy I want. Remember, he read all about it on this very blog. He tells me that his feelings on this topic have nothing to do with liking me, rather they have to do with me wanting the guy who will take me on dates and spend time with me.

I had no idea how respond to this. Because I do want the guy that wants to spend time with me.

The guy that thinks I'm funny and fascinating. That wants to see what I look like all dressed up specifically for him. The guy that thinks even all stupid stuff I do is amusing. The one that thinks I'm super amazing just as I am and the guy that can't wait to see me. I want to the guy that understands that I want time with my girlfriends as much as I want time with him. I want the guy that wants me to cook for him and can see the value in who I am.

Apparently, Butterfly Guy isn't that guy.

And that makes me sad. You know why it makes me sad? Because I knew it the whole time. I looked at him and he gave me a smile and I just knew in some deep place that I was screwed. You know that part in 'Eat Pray Love' where Julia's in the Laundromat and she says 'He folded my delicates.' The lady says to her

'Baby, you are so screwed.'

I knew I was in trouble the moment he set foot into my personal space. The moment he flashed that adorable grin at me, the moment at that trendy restaurant when he leaned over and kissed me, actually every time he kissed me. Because I enjoyed those kisses so much that there is no way that they could last.

I went back and forth for awhile with him. Playing at what I was trying to say. Today I texted him and said that I had a great plan, that in order to keep from getting frustrated at him that I'm going to date other people. That's what led to the whole he's not the guy I want.

So, he thinks he's not the guy I want but now I'm left with ... feelings. Feelings that I am a total loss at how to deal with. And all I can think is ... splat. Right there on the pavement. I am wondering how to throw up the butterflies because they seem to insist on keeping their home in my stomach. And apparently and elephant occasionally visits my chest....but only when he walks by.

Don't worry. I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings. I just need a few moments in which I can breath and process and hopefully it will all go away....hopefully

On the positive side, my best gal friends whom I trust with anything have all declared that Butterfly Guy is unfit for me. It's always nice to have the support of your friends.

In this case, I am falling back on an old favorite of mine

I am the rule not the exception.

And I want the guy who looks at me and thinks I'm the exception... to everything