Monday, May 23, 2011

That didn't go as planned....

It’s like a little bomb went off in my nice, neat, delusional, suburban mind. That’s really what I feel like.Its as if what was once a beautiful stepford neighborhood had an airplane crashed into it. Smoke billows from houses that have been hit, rubble lays across the street and people wander around looking for a safe place to sit. At least, that's how I feel. What started as a fun weekend for a friend’s birthday Friday night had by Sunday morphed into a full blown area of chaos. People’s feelings were hurt, friendships hung onto life support and at least one friendship was DOA by the time Sunday morning rolled its head back. Folks, it got so bad that I actually broke my 90 days and had a beer and a shot. Now I’ve been told that this isn’t so bad by a few people but after 55 days of not drinking at all .... it really bums me out.

What I'm left with are a bunch of hallow feelings and a knot in my stomach that refuses to go away. I want to start by saying that I graduated high school over 10 years ago. When I left that red brick prison, I didn't want to go back. Teenage girls are crazy, emotional basket cases that don't know their heads from their feet and will get into a screaming match with a friend over a nail file and then make up two seconds later.

The absolute worst moment of my high school life? The one that to this day makes me feel a little queasy? The time that one of my friends boyfriends came over for a New Years Eve party at my house. He was not the only one but as his girlfriend (my friend) was out of town he came to my party. I had known this kid for a hell of a lot longer than his girlfriend had, in fact he and I went way back to Jr. High Social Studies class where we sat next to each other. At midnight ,as we all celebrated outside, he leaned over me and pecked me on lips. Barley more than you would kiss your sister. His girlfriend and her friends were not happy at all. So happy, that they shunned me in English class. You haven't lived until girls that you thought were your friends and would actually listen when you said that you didn't kiss him HE kissed YOU. And as you sit in your English class and watch as one of her friends passes out cookies and then tell you (even though you didn't ask for one) that you can't have one because your a slut. That was super fun. Teenage girls are so kind. The funny thing is.....we all made up. Not before my heart was cut a little by the sharp talons of adolescence though. To this day, I am a bit sensitive to the cold shoulder. Which would explain my rabid response to it this weekend.

Friday night ,all excited for a weekend of fun, my friend and I checked into a casino for her birthday weekend. We had dinner plans at a fun restaurant and then we were going to go hang out by the pool. Just a nice relaxing Friday because Saturday night was supposed to be a night of debauchery. About the time that the bill came for our dinner and as I was paying, my friend started to get really quite. I'm not sure what the switch was.... but suddenly her attitude was more chilly than Vermont in February. I spent the next 5 hours trying to get her to go do stuff while all she wanted to do was sit on her bed in the hotel and watch CNN. The next day as she still was giving me the cold shoulder (yes...for those of you counting it was bout 12 hours later), I had finally had enough. Eventually, it turned out I did in fact do something to upset her and rather than tell me that I hurt her feelings, she decided to just ignore me. Which then brought out the rabid mean girl inside of me that I didn't know was still hiding inside my heart.

I'm not happy that person reared her ugly little blond head this weekend. The fact that mean Kat came out is most likely why I'm left with all these hollow feelings. Alot like I had just broken into a bakery and halfway through eating all the macaroons realized that they were a poor substitute for chocolate and the cops are coming so I better get my ass out of there.

Right now, I'm feeling a bit lost. A bit like I have let the balance that I've been working so carefully to achieve has been blown over. I don't know how to pick it all up again. Suddenly, its become more than just the simple's so much more. Nothing seems to fit anymore...nothing seems to work. The careful plotting of points in my life are all gone

. Right now, it seems like all I can do is upset people and make them mad at me. Which then makes me just want to hide under my covers. Which in turn makes me wonder why in the world did life happen the way it happens? Can't I be an adult first and work my way to childhood? That the freedom being 12 and it's summer break should be the reward for putting up with bullshit for the previous 65 years. I don't know how to make the emptiness go away.

All I know how to do is pick through the rubble and decide what to keep and what to finally let go of.

And maybe tomorrow....I'll finally get something right this week....

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