True story, he broke me. He didn't just break my heart, he almost broke me. What ever it was that made me, me before....it was gone the minute that he and I ended. Ultimately, he didn't love me enough. I don't care what anyone tells me now, the fact of the matter is that he really didn't love me enough. I know now that I deserve someone who loves me. I know now that what ever it was that I had, it wasn't enough for him. I'm saying this because what I want you to understand is there might always be a hole in me that might not ever be filled. There is a fear in me that might never go away. There is a sadness that still creeps up and hits me every once in a while. A moment that I ask myself why I wasn't enough, or what was it about me that he didn't want.
When he and I broke up I didn't just dye my hair and drink a lot. I dyed my hair, drank so much that I ended up throwing up over an overpass into a ravine 20 feet below and moved to a new state with a new job to escape everything that remind me of him. And yet, I still called him. I still met with him. You want to know the only reason he wanted to see me? So he could get laid. To him, I was nothing more than that. To come back from that is tough. To realize that you are more than just a blow up doll...that is really really hard. And really really heartbreaking. You don't know true venom until the person that you love more than anything in the world is saying the most vile things to you and as you look at him and listen to what he's saying you realize that the light in his eyes? That's pleasure, a pleasure that he is taking in the tears in your eyes and the pain that's written across your face.
Who does that? Who takes pleasure in another person's pain?
People don't realize what the outcome is when they do something like that. What their actions can do to another person. How they can hurt someone. Those actions can have long reaching affects and if you don't deal with the scars that they will seriously bite you in the ass. That one day when you are going about your business 2 years after the last time you talked to him, your issues will creep up, pop up in a text and kick you in the ass. Next thing you know, you will be looking into an empty wine glass wondering how the hell you let him back in. I spent so much time trying to shovel the shit that he put inside me, that when when I find a pile that's still there, I get really surprised.
But you know what? I found out recently that I am a fighter. That I am more than the person that gave her all to another human and had it tossed in her face. That I am worth more. That I am a silver coin person. What's a silver coin person? Well, the truth is while I was sitting in church this last weekend the pastor was talking about a person's worth and that back in day people were judged by their worth in silver coins. Well, I know that to us, nowadays 10 silver coins doesn't seem much. But back in the day??
Back in the day...those 10 silver coins were a tiara. So....
I'm a 10 silver coin woman, bitches. Look at my tiara!
It takes a while to get there and its not easy. I've compressed about 4 years of pain, misery and heartache into a few paragraphs. I've put the moments that my heart felt like it was falling out of my chest and there was nothing but an empty space there into a few sentences. So it might seem like I'm being a little flippant but I'm not. I could fill pages and pages with the struggle that I've gone through in order to make it through. When I fell and broke and I didn't just fall and twist my ankle... I fell and broke apart. And then I laid there for a long long long time.
At one point, I finally lifted my head and realized that I was laying scattered on the floor. And then I realized...
I don't want to be broken any more.
So I picked up my tiara where it had lain....patiently waiting for me. And I picked up my glue and I glued myself back together. And while I will admit that I'm not always healed and sometimes I shy back because that scar you just hit is still a little weak... I'm a person again.
I'm a 10 silver coin person....and no one...no one....will take that away from me.